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Take life (and death) as it comes
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
-- C. S. Lewis
My father’s passing in September has affected
me in unexpected ways. Because we were so close, I expected to grieve. I didn’t
expect to be overwhelmed with fear and self-criticism.
Fear - dreadful, paralyzing fear of illness, of Alzheimers, of business failure,
of global catastrophe ... you name it, I’ve probably been feeling it.
The self loathing I thought was history has been back with a vengeance. As Dad’s
passing proves we don’t live forever, I’ve been obsessing over what I see as the
failures of my life, with disappointment, anger and despair.
In rational moments, though, I can appreciate the value of these big emotions
that can’t be ignored. Perhaps losing Dad opened a door that is allowing
energies I’ve locked away over my lifetime to emerge for clearing.
I’ve been told that when we lose both parents, no matter how old we are when the
second one passes, we experience the distress of being orphaned. When our father
passes, we lose our protector, or at least our dream of having a protector.
These are big issues in our lives - it’s no wonder I’m feeling insecure.
Fortunately, I have the tools to support me in surviving such an onslaught of
pain. I know:
- Not to compare myself with anyone else, as
in "John is still functioning - what’s wrong with me?"
- My negative thinking does not reflect the
truth of my being.
- Resisting my experience (as in ‘I have no
right to be feeling this way’) just prolongs it.
Over and over this past week, I’ve had to
remind myself of the above. I sink into the muck but by shifting
perspectives, I can pull myself up for air - over and over and over again.
This is the healing process. It’s not pretty or controlled - two qualities
I’ve tried my best to impose on life. The truth is, this is what’s up right
now for attention, and I need to allow the process to unfold. Accepting
what’s happening and allowing it to be there is the only way it can pass
away.
In my Canadian/English society, I haven’t seen evidence of anyone feeling
and acting the way I have lately, and this has prompted me to feel faulty.
I’m sharing this with you in the hope that if you go through similar
experiences, you’ll give yourself permission to be there.
"In struggling against anguish one never produces serenity; the struggle against anguish only produces new forms of anguish."
-- Simone Weil
A Reminder
Daily, Weekly, Monthly RE-Treat Yourself Process - STOP and relax and
reflect with these insightful processes.
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